My old life

Ever Google yourself?  Come on, I bet you have.  I won't judge! Well, after the chores were done and the toddler was down for a rest, I decided to Google myself via maiden name and married name.  I was particularly curious as to what came in my prior to marriage life.  What I like to refer to as my "old life."

Sadly, a big part of my old life involved a relationship with someone who was an expert manipulator.  While I can never say he laid a hand on me in a harsh way, he had a way about himself where he'd manipulate me to bend to his will.  Now that I'm older and (I hope) wiser, I can see that was not a good relationship to be in.  At the time, I thought I needed to just compromise more and not think so much about myself.  A big part of that manipulation was moving me away from my "redneck" lifestyle.  While he never, ever, ever said, "Don't see your family or don't ride horses or change your major," what he did say was, "I'm not going there with you," "you can go, but don't expect me to wait around for you,"and "I don't know where that's going to get you in life."

As I look back on my old life, I think about how insecure I must have been to tolerate that for so long.  How unsure of myself I must have been.  I look at myself now and think, "wow, you've come a long way, baby."  I'm flawed for sure, but I'm at least willing to stand a little firmer on my own two feet.  

One of my greatest regrets (besides of course the way I treated my family and friends) was stepping away from the horse world and giving up on a child hood dream.  Now, I struggle to figure out how I can carve my niche in the horse industry and find balance within my very busy life.

I envy my younger counter parts who are able to go off trail riding, to clinics, or shows every weekend; while I'm swiftly moving between chores, teaching, and getting the kids to their vast array of after school events and sports.  Scheduling riding time requires a dedicated team of after school baby sitters (my husband works away from home).  I literally have to write it in my planner and carve out time.  Which, I suppose, is probably what anyone with kids has to do to support their own thing.   Make no mistake, I love this crazy life I'm in, but I definitely feel like my younger years were wasted trying to make someone else happy, walking on egg shells to do exactly what he wanted.

I look back think how foolish I was and I look forward and think--wow, I've got a whole lot of life ahead of me and I'm going to figure out how to make the best of every minute of it.  This time around, my life WILL include horses.